


Hair and Broccoli

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-26
Updated: 2006-12-26
Packaged: 2019-01-19 22:52:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12419943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Broccoli, that evil green sprout doesn't deserve Lily, how dare he try to take over James' place in Lily's heart, who is only really in love with his hair which he doesn't deserve for some obscure reason.





	Hair and Broccoli

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Disclaimer:** I'm most definately not JKR really now... that would be silly 

**Thought this up while watching something on TV, amazing how productive mindless watching of the tele can be.**

**Broccoli and Doodles**

Lily was sitting directly behind him with her head propped up on her arm and staring into the back of his head. _How does he get his hair to look so soft and shiny?_ She thought wistfully, it was a sin for a boy to have nicer looking hair than her, especially James Potter, definitely a sin. _I’m going to have to punish him,_ _but how?_

Now Lily Evans wasn’t one to daydream in class but it was cold and she didn’t have any socks on, although why that’s relevant is unknown, but it remains a fact that Lily was daydreaming in class, a highly unusual occurrence, and not only was she daydreaming she was doodling in her note pad, just plain and pointless doodles, although when she thought about it she was a really good drawer and so her pointless doodles were good pointless doodles, again irrelevant but less so.

_I could just stand in front of him in my bra and pants while he’s tied to a chair and gagged,_ Lily thought. _No that would be amusing but then I don’t want him thinking I want him to see me half naked in his dreams… that would be disturbing, although I wonder what he looks like without a shirt on,_ Lily blinked, shook her head slightly and faded back into previous state, _brain failure honestly._

_Now how to punish James Potter for having such wonderful looking hair, honestly the goddess of hair would be proud if he were a woman, which I highly doubt he is, because then he would… well lets not go there, that’s something I really wouldn’t like to think about._

_Chinese water torture, with pixies,_ Lily thought before sniffing in delight in such brilliant thought, _Yes that would be fun to watch him be tortured…naked…in front of the whole school, or at least all the girls and then… OH YEA BABY._

_I wonder if he would do it willingly to prove his so called love for me, ha, that would be good if he refused then he would have no right to ask me out again because his love wouldn’t be true. Lily Evans you’re a genius, pure brilliance._

Lily heard someone call her name and ignored it; she figured it was a figment of her imagination.

“LILIAN EVANS!” Christina, her ‘best’ friend screamed in her ear.

“BROCCOLI,” Lily said jumping up in the air, in response coming out of her trance, before realising that people where looking at her, “Aww crap.”

“Who were yoooou daydreaming about?” Christina asked, grinning mischievously.

“Broccoli?” Lily said sheepishly.

“Oh yea then why were you doodling,” Tessa asked looking over her shoulder at the notebook, “HAIR? YOU WERE DOODLING HAIR!”

Lily looked at her notebook, James Potters hair, doodled all over a page, _oh crap._ “I don’t know, you know when I doodle I don’t know what I doodle, doodles don’t mean anything anyway.”

Christina looked up at who was directly in front of Lily and giggled, her giggle was inane, “Lily and James sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G,” she started sing before Lily hit her, “OW!”

James now turned around and looked at Lily with burning hazel eyes, “When is this kissing supposed to happen and what should I wear?” he asked innocently.

 “You know what you could do, James,” Lily said through gritted teeth, _damn his gorgeous hair and his gorgeous eyes and WHHAAT AM I THINKING ITS JAMES POTTER argh damn hormones. Yes that’s it. Wait I’m spacing out on them,_ Lily coughed, “As I was saying what you could do is kindly go drown yourself in a bathroom or the lake or a toilet with faeces in it. Yes that would be suitable. A toilet with faeces.”

James looked at her with puppy dog eyes, “Surely you don’t mean that?”

“You’re right I don’t I’d prefer to torture you really slowly before you died.”

“And you do that so well,” James said quietly turning around and leaning into her so that they were inches apart, so that he was breathing on her.

_Wow he uses breath mints, or he just doesn’t get bad breath. I wonder what his mouth tastes like._ Lily thought aimlessly before realising that he was too close for comfort, and she began to fear her brain as it kept telling her to jump on him and kiss him senseless. “I know it’s a gift,” she smiled sarcastically, pushing him away

“You do realise lesson ended five minutes ago,” Remus said from beside James as he watched James’ eyes never leave Lily’s, before she broke contact and left the classroom.

“What do you think she was daydreaming about Remus?” James asked half-heartedly.

“Well I was going to say you, but since it seems that she still hates you. I’m voting for broccoli.”

“I don’t see what the broccoli has that I don’t.” James mumbled to no one in particular.

“She can eat it when it breaks her heart, won’t have to go to Azkaban for eating broccoli, killing you on the other hand well; I don’t think she wants to a) kill you or b) go to Azkaban for it. Although I think part a is STRONGLY affected by part b.”

“Shut up Remus.”

“Just doing my job,” he said, “Let’s go find Sirius and get something to eat.”

James followed him reluctantly, why did Lily love broccoli and not him. HE adored Lily, he would worship the ground she walked and not the plate she ate off, he would love her unconditionally and not just when he was in season. What did she see in broccoli? 

And it was then that James decided the next time he saw broccoli he would murder it for stealing his Lily away from him.

** … **

****

Lily was sitting up in the Head Common room with her feat in front of the fire, trying to warm her freezing toes, all her socks had vanished, or rather they were so far under her bed she couldn’t reach them with her puny arms.

_Broccoli why on earth did you say broccoli, I hate broccoli. It’s a tree…that you can eat…which in itself is disturbing, orange you could have said orange but nooooo you stupid child you said broccoli and the idiot boy that I seem to be falling in love with, but why does he have better hair than me!_

The portrait swung open and James walked into the common room, he stifled a yawn and saw Lily sitting on the floor next to the fire.

“You know your feet wouldn’t be cold if you had socks on,” he said dumping his bag on the floor before he sat down on a chair pulling the table closer to put his feet up.

“I can’t find any socks, well I can, but I can’t reach them,” Lily said as feeling began to crawl back into her toes.

James looked at her from his spot, “Your arms to short?” he said as he watched her rub her feet.

Lily glared at him, yes her arms were to short but she wasn’t going to admit that to him, it would make him superior especially with his gorgeous hair. 

“Why are you staring at me? Do I have food on my face?” James said nervously, he hated having food on his face. **_Broccoli damn it, now she knows I mercilessly butchered her lover into tiny pieces and ate him, and she’ll hate me more now._**

****

**_I knew I shouldn’t have listened to Sirius when he said I didn’t have anything on my face, ooooo I’m going to feed him broccoli till he explodes._ **

****

_He thinks I’m staring at him, oh god I am staring at him, damn his hair!_ “I’m not staring at you,” Lily said bluntly before turning away, “Oh and you have broccoli around your mouth.” Lily froze. 

W _aaait a second. Didn’t I say broccoli earlier and now he has it on his face…_ Lily shook her head, “I thought you didn’t like broccoli,” Lily said absently.

“I don’t,” James said as an automatic response. **_Oh smooth move IDIOT. I do occasionally wonder if the think before you speak part of my brain has been shut off – permanently. I blame Sirius, but what’s new?_**

****

_So if he doesn’t like broccoli, then,_ Lily laughed to herself, _he’s jealous of broccoli, because oh I don’t know but he’s jealous of a vegetable, oh I have to tell Tessa and Christina about this. Not now, but later, when I can feel all of my feet, well the two of them, I don’t have more than two feet._

**_What’s funny, I’ve missed something. I’m going to ask._** “May I ask what’s so funny?”

“Are you green?” Lily asked giggling, “Green with envy because I said broccoli?”

James looked at her with his eyes wide open, “Noo, why would I be jealous of your love for broccoli?” **_YOU FOOL, think before you speak THINK YOU IDIOT BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH, wow I’m verbally assaulting my self in my brain. Cool._**

****

“My love for broccoli?” Lily repeated wheezing from laughter, before coughing and regaining her composure, “Why would I love broccoli?”

“Because it’s all green and healthy and when you get bored of it you can eat and it won’t break your heart.” **_Really how many times do we have to go over this, think before speaking? *mental sigh* she doesn’t love me she loves the broccoli man. And she’s laughing like a maniac. Wait. That’s a good thing. Please let that be a good thing. Wait. She’s laughing at me, crap she’s choking. WHAT DO I DO?_**

****

James was suddenly sitting next to her patting her on her back, “Bet broccoli couldn’t do that,” James said smiling at her. 

“I don’t love broccoli and despite you being right about the whole being able to eat it when you get bored of it, and it not breaking your heart. I’d get bored of broccoli fairly quickly,” Lily said laughing, “and thank you.”

“So if you weren’t day dreaming about broccoli, then who or what where you day dreaming about?”

“Nothing,” Lily mumbled, looking at him

_Be nice, he just saved your life, now if only I could touch his hair. I need to know if it’s as soft as it looks. IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH FOR CHRISTS SAKE!! Chill out now Lily you’ll live if you don’t know._

“You’re staring at me again,” James said softly.

“I’m not staring, I don’t stare.”

“You’re a terrible liar, Lily.” James laughed, “You so were.”

“Fine I was staring at your hair, not you. So get over it,” Lily huffed.

“Does that mean, you were daydreaming about my hair earlier?”

“No.” Lily said flatly, staring into the fire.

_Liar, liar, pants on fire. Problem is your pants could so be on fire right now. He’s kinda cute, no point in denying it, when he’s not being a jerk that is, even then he’s kinda cute. Oh who am I kidding he’s gorgeous, hair included, and his eyes, his lovely hazel eyes that make you hungry, and I don’t mean for food._

Lily shivered and rubbed her feet, resisting the temptation to lay her head on James shoulder, just as he moved away from her. 

_Oh I was about to being enjoying his company._ Lily thought bemused at the fact that she was upset that he had moved away.

“Here you go,” James said throwing a green lump at her. “My mum made them for me; I haven’t ever worn them though, you can keep them if you want.”

“Oh,” Lily said looking up at him, “Thank you, James,” Lily said smelling them, _seem fine,_ before pulling them on her freezing feet. “Nice and warm, already.” Lily said in surprise.

James smiled and sat down next to her, “So you were daydreaming about my hair huh?”

“Yes, ok I have issues.” Lily said laughing softly.

“Well its one step closer to the person you should be daydreaming about,” James said softly, noticing Lily’s glare he smiled, “I’m on a boundary aren’t I?”

“How about you’re already over it,” Lily said smiling, “but since I have your socks I won’t kill you,” she said looking at him. _His hair so soft and shinny._ “Now how do you get your hair to look so soft and shinny?”

“I use your shampoo,” James said, **_crash and burn mate that’s what you do best. RECOVER. RECOVER!_**  “Well not _your_ shampoo but the same type,” James added, **_well done! Give yourself a pat on the back… later now would look weird._**

“How is that possible?” Lily mumbled, _why does his hair look better than mine, MINE is supposed to look better. It’s not fair._

“Personally,” James said, sensing that Lily had a thing for hair, “I think you’re hair is gorgeous, it’s unique,” James said taking a strand in his hand a twirling the curl around his finger. 

Lily smiled; _he sure knows how to make you feel better._

“And I’d bet my pants that you’re hair is softer than mine.”

“Your pants must be really special,” Lily giggled.

**_See you should THINK before you speak, oh broccoli._** “First thing that came to my head.”

“Oh really?” Lily said looking at him as though she didn’t believe him.

“Seriously,” James said, “I don’t think before I speak.”

“I noticed that a long time ago boy,” Lily said as he continued to twirl her hair around his fingers.

_Damn it, you suffer from the same idiotic disease that he does for the love of Merlin. He’s right, think before you speak._

James looked at her softly, wondering if he could possibly get away with bringing her closer to him.

Recently, despite their differences, she had let him become a friend, but he had let her know on countless occasions that he wanted nothing more than for them to more than just friends. 

_Why does he have to do that? Look at me as though he actually wants me, he doesn’t, its just I know he doesn’t, its not possible for him to want me, not for real anyway. A play thing maybe, but not as a proper girlfriend, just a little proof would be nice. A teeny bit, and then I’ll go out with him._

“What you thinking about?” James asked softly.

“What do you see in me?” Lily asked daringly, “Why do you so badly want me to go out with you and not broccoli.”

“So you do like broccoli!” James said confused.

“Hypothetically speaking, broccoli is another guy,” Lily said looking at him.

“Oh, right yea,” James said his fingers still playing with her hair. “Well, you’re beautiful, and smart and loving, meaning you’re a bitch to anyone who hurts the ones you love, you won’t let people tread all over you, and you know what I love most about you,” James said as she moved slightly to look at him.

“Your eyes, people say that your eyes are the window to your soul and I know that you believe that so you hide, but I can see, you’re scared I don’t of what but you are.”

_I’m smiling at him, and what’s weird is that he’s right; I’m scared of a lot of things._

**_Well I guess it’s now or never,_** “Why did you ask?”

“Just curious that’s all, and seriously is your hair as soft as it looks?”

“I’m all for the touching,” he said before cringing. “Brain and mouth do not run at the same speed.”

Lily giggled and reached out a hand and ran it through his hair, as she did so, she felt oddly happy, it was as soft as it looked and she sighed, _it’s not fair, it is as soft as it looks._

Without realising it she had edged forward and was now almost in his lap. “It isn’t fair.”

“Let’s just agree that you can be jealous of my hair, and I’ll be jealous of your eyes.”

Lily smiled, she was embarrassed, everybody commented on her eyes but he, no he had to stare into them as he did so, and he had meant it.

Lily was looking up at him as he carefully put his arm around her and pulled her towards him, “What are you doing?”

“Nothing if you tell me to stop,” James said holding her in his lap, waiting for her to push him away, and when she didn’t, he leant into kiss her.

As James lips touched hers, he drew her closer to his body, her arms winding themselves around his neck while her fingers played with his hair, as she reciprocated the kiss.

He deepened the kiss and moved his hands lower down her back as her body pushed him backwards and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

**_She’s either going to kill me after this or, well not kill me and go out with me, oh please god, please like me. I’ve been a good boy, wait that’s Santa, hey that’ll work it’s almost Christmas. I have really been a good boy and wow. Mmhmmm,_** James thought as Lily took turn to deepen the kiss.

_What am I doing? Or more importantly why am I enjoying this, and oh god his hands, too close to my bum, I so wish I was wearing different knickers, but his hair, mmm his hair so nice and soft, and I really have to try to pull it out of his head. He’s moving us, oh god I’m laying underneath him. Willingly, so not telling Tessa or Christina about this. Oh wow, no defiantly not telling them about this._

James moved his hands and took his wand summoning a pillow to place under Lily’s head as she lay underneath him, before laying down careful not to put too much of his weight on her, so rested his weight on his elbows and left his hands to cup her face.

They heard the portrait swing open and both chose to ignore it; apparently they didn’t mind getting caught.

“James?” Sirius voice came from the portrait, and James groaned inwardly at him.

**_Oh yea, first he doesn’t tell me I have broccoli on my face AND now he wants to bloody talk to me, annoying twat._ **

“Prongs?” Sirius voice called out to a seemingly empty room, “Stag Boy?”

_Stag boy? What the hell? Oh I don’t care for now, if he keeps kissing me like this I won’t ever care._

**_Bugger, damn him._** “I’m…kinda…busy.” James said through Lily’s kisses as he opened his eyes to find something to throw at Sirius when he saw Lily’s shoe.

“Right,” Sirius said, “Who you making out with?” he asked mischievously, before a shoe hit him in the stomach, “That was uncalled for, and does Evans know you’ve got a guest,” Sirius said before another shoe was thrown at him, “I guess not, well have fun. Don’t do anything with out protection,” Sirius said before bolting it from the room.

Lily pulled away, “Stag Boy? Protection? What do you get up to?”

“Oh Marauders quips and what not,” James said dismissing, “So does this mean you’ll go out with me?”

“May-be,” Lily giggled, “But I get to keep the socks. Broccoli.”

“What’s with the broccoli?”

“You’re the broccoli with gorgeous hair,” Lily smiled and before he could reply she pulled his head down and kissed him 

  _Fin_


End file.
